I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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