but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
