I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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