Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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