just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
