Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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