Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize