I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
