Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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