Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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