I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
