I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
