god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish you could order shots online.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
