He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
