I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
