my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
