very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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