You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize