Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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