I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
