There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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