Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
