Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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