Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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