Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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