hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
