I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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