My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
