I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
