I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
