The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
