He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
