Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
