i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
