she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
