If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just cut my nipple shaving
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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