She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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