i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
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She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
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He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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