My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
