Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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