last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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