I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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