omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
