a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.