I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.