I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
