Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
