Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
