I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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