Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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