just tell him i said nine months
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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