you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
