No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.