I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
