Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
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I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
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Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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