Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
