Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
