omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
