I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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